


If I Reach for Your Hand

by Raisans_Grapeon



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Dorks in Love, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Reminiscing, So Much Fluff You Could Kill an Entire Planet, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 11:02:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17559137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raisans_Grapeon/pseuds/Raisans_Grapeon
Summary: Ryan Steven Bergara was 5 years old when a new family moved into the neighborhood. With them, came Ryan’s new best friend, Shane Alexander Madej. After years together, Ryan begins to notice they way he interacts with others, and more specifically, Shane.It wouldn't take Ryan long to learn that he loved Shane, and he always had.





	If I Reach for Your Hand

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, and welcome to a new piece of mine.
> 
> This is really the first time that I've written any romance based piece, so critique on how to improve it would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> The title is inspired by the song Honey and the Bee by Owl City.
> 
> Thank you to my discord friend for giving me this wonderful idea to play with.
> 
> Enjoy.

When Ryan was 5 years old, he loved to play basketball in the driveway. There was a hoop installed on the side, and he spent most of his free time out there, shooting baskets or playing the occasional game with a rag tag group of neighborhood children. During the summer, he’d race down the road on his bike and come home coated in dirt and sporting an award winning, toothy smile. No one could convince the boy to stay inside. He enjoyed the blistering heat, and the itch of the grass. Often times, he would end up reading crime novels, sprawled out on the lawn as he held the pages high above his head to both provide shade, and skim the words he didn’t quite understand yet. Ticks loved him, and twigs would burrow themselves into his thick raven hair. Every inch of Ryan screamed extrovert, from his grass stained Lakers jersey, to his bright, brown eyes.

When Ryan was 5 years old, he thought he had it all. Nothing could’ve gotten better without being too good to be true. 

One summer day, the sun heated the asphalt, and brightened the concrete driveways, feeding the grass and bushes. Ryan stood barefoot in front of his basketball hoop, tiny palms holding a disproportionately large basket ball that was browned with age. The soft rumble of wheels rolled up the street as a large white trailer came into view, being towed by a blindingly silver truck. Ryan’s game was no longer important as the truck pulled into the driveway directly across the road. The boy blinked, something glinting within his eyes. That house had been for sale for a while, and now there was a large white trailer. All the evidence pointed to the thought that these people were Ryan’s new neighbors. Neighbors were sometimes families, which meant there might be an new friend to be had. A wide smile was plastered to his face as he turned and ran through the front door, calling out for his mom. 

“MOM! MOM! New neighbors! Across the street!,” he shouted out in broken sentences, hoping that she was within earshot. 

“Ryan, calm down! We’ll go meet them in a bit.” Ryan’s mother rounded a corner, straightening out her T-Shirt. “Where’s your brother?”

“I dunno, but I wanna see the new people!” Ryan bounced with energy, arms shaking as he looked ready to zip out the door as quickly as he had come in.

Ryan’s mother could only chuckle endearingly. “You can go out and greet them if you want, just don’t get in their way too much! I’ll be out the moment I find your brother.”

Ryan didn’t need to be told twice as he bolted back out, slowing gradually as he set foot on foreign property. Two adults, a man and woman, were already pulling up the cover on the trailer, revealing stacks and stacks of boxes. They had been muttering to themselves when Ryan came barreling onto the driveway, breathing heavily. To say they were startled would be an understatement. The strange looks didn’t deter the young boy. “Hey! Welcome to the neighborhood! My name’s Ryan. My mom will be out soon to say this all over again.”

The two adults relaxed, smiling softly. The woman spoke for the both of them. “We’re the Madejs. It was a pleasure meeting you, Ryan.” Mrs. Madej turned to the truck, and called to the trunk of it. “Boys, come out and meet one of the neighbors” Ryan felt his smile grow at the mention of other kids.

Two heads popped out of the trunk at the call. They looked uncannily similar, same small eyes, and thin frame. One was a tad taller, safely half a head taller than the other. They both had light brown hair. The older looking one had a short buzz while the other had a bowl cut. They both looked down to the youngest boy of the three. One looked effectively bored, while the other gave a small smile and waved. 

The mother of the two spoke again. “The older one is Scott, and the younger is Shane.” She pointed to each just to enunciate which was which. 

Ryan waved to them, rocking on his heels. “Hi! I’m Ryan.” 

Scott waved back but ducked down again to whatever he was doing in the bed of the truck; however, Shane stayed upright. “Hi.”

“How about you both play and get to know your new neighbor while Dad and I unload?,” Mrs. Madej suggested softly, prompting a huff from Scott.

“I’ll just help you guys.” Scott hauled himself out, jumping over the edge of the bed and landing on the light grey concrete. 

Shane’s response was a bit more accepting, clamoring clumsily out of the truck to fall stiffly to the driveway. Now standing next to Ryan, it was clear that he was a solid foot taller than him, limbs thin and awkward with not much muscle underneath. Ryan was quick engage. “What do you usually do for fun?” Somewhere in the distance, Mrs. Madej chatted with her husband, and Scott mumbled something bitterly.

Shane stayed straight faced for a second as he thought the question over. “I like swimming… but I usually stay inside and play games… and watch the History Channel.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets, kicking the ground.

“Well that won’t do,” Ryan commented, a disappointed frown setting in for the first time. “The outside is funner than the inside! I was just shooting hoops at my place. We could play Around the World or something!” Ryan reached over and took hold of the taller kid’s arm, tugging his hand out of his pocket and dragging him across the street without looking for cars.

At first, Shane looked concerned, or irritated, Ryan couldn’t quite tell. It only lasted for a moment before his face quickly morphed into a smirk. “Won’t I have an unfair advantage? Being tall and all?”

Ryan didn’t look back. “Shut up! I’ll beat you!,” he declared lamely, the boy not quite old enough to be throwing insults in.

Shane could be heard giggling a bit, before saying, “You know ‘funner’ is not a word.”

When Ryan was 10 years old, Shane was 14. The two had gotten along with each other like a house on fire. If they were making parallels, Ryan was the fire, and Shane was the house. During the summers, they’d take turns housing the other for days on end, and would sit on their lawns, chattering excitedly with each other, sometime falling into playful arguments over aliens. They both fell into a love for filmmaking, and would watch classics to admire the intricacies of shots, or lighting. During the school year, they didn’t have a lot of time to spend with each other, since Shane was 4 years older, but they always found time. Often, they would sit on their respective lawns at night, writing notes on paper airplanes and send them over the street. The entire neighborhood was aware that they were inseparable. Neither minded though. Even when Shane gained more friends, sharing some with Ryan, he’d alwasy find time for his first friend, for better or for worse.  
s  
When Ryan was 12 years old, Shane was 16, and Ryan began to think about his relationship with Shane. He became aware how his hands balled up Shane’s shirt every time they hugged, trying their best to never let go. He became aware of the sparks that would dance on his nerves whenever Shane would rest his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. He became aware of they way his heart burst whenever Shane gave a genuine compliment. When Shane entered the room, Ryan wouldn’t hide his stare. He would eye the teen’s rough, patchy stubble, and his lean arms. Ryan realized that every moment meant more than it should’ve. He cherished every smile, and feared every tear. When arguments went awry, leading to one of the two becoming bitter and avoidant, Ryan felt a muck fill his lungs. When they’d live and let die, he’d launch himself into the older’s arms. On the nights when the bushes clawed at the walls and the shadows hunted him, Shane would cradle him in his long, twig arms, and Ryan would somehow feel safer than he ever had. 

This lead to Ryan forming a hypothesis, Maybe, just maybe, he was in love. It was a heavy thought for a Junior High Schooler to be having about a man he had been friends with for 7 years, and who was 4 years older than him, but it wasn’t ludicrous. Ryan was determined to figure out if what he was feeling was really love. To test it, he decided to ask several couples he knew what love felt like. First people he went to were his parents.

“Well, when I first met your mother, she was just one of my friend's friend. She’d tag along and sometimes we would talk about the weather or whatnot. But gradually, as we got to know each other, I’d feel this warmth in my chest, and my brain numbed,” his father reminisce sweetly while gazing into his wife’s eyes.

“I saw him and thought he was hot,” his mother stated bluntly. It definitely caught Ryan off guard, who quickly absconded before anything of a similar caliber happened. 

Next, was asking the Madejs. 

“Sherry and I were in the same classes in college. I thought she looked pretty, so I did my best to get to know her. When you’re in love, you feel like you could do anything. Society be damned. I know I made a fool of myself trying to ask her out on a date, but when she said yes, I didn’t care about that,” Mr. Madej explained while Mrs. Madej chuckled beside him.

“When I looked at him, my heart would start to rush. Like his opinion about me was the only thing that mattered. Every moment was precious, and I’d do my best to get him to laugh.” Mrs. Madej leaned into her husband’s side, looking down at the young boy with a sweet smile. “The feeling is so strong, you can’t ascribe it to anyone else.”

Ryan’s confidence in his data so far almost made him stop the test early, but he wanted to talk to a younger person about the subject. Someone who hadn’t quite made a hard commitment. So, they short boy sought out Scott Madej, who was dating a girl named Maria. 

“It’s hard to explain,” Scott hemmed and hawed while he sat in front of his computer. His attention was clearly divided. “I guess, I feel like I want to hold her all the time. Everything about her seems perfect, even her flaws. Now leave me alone, go bother my brother.” He used a free hand to wave the younger boy off before returning completely to his screen.

That was all Ryan needed to come to the conclusion that he had a crush on his best friend. When it started, he was unsure, but he was now fully aware, and it was only slightly maddening.  
Maybe if he ignored it long enough, it would go away, and they’d be just friends.

When Ryan was 14 years old, Shane was 18, and something inside Ryan died. He was standing on Shane’s driveway. What was Shane’s driveway. He had a hatchback car, filled with bags and boxes. Ryan had looked up at his friend of 9 years. He had really grown, now 6’4, but as thin as ever. Ryan really had to crane his neck to make eye contact; though he didn’t want to. His chest felt so tight, and his throat was closing up, daring the teen to say something, and risk the overflow of tears. He kept his arms at his side, hands clenched into trembling fists, and shoulders pulled up to his ears. 

“Ryan…” Shane’s voice was soft, merging with the soft breeze of summer. He moved, but didn’t close the distance to rest a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I’ll be back before you know it. Around Christmas time. Alright, buddy?” At the end, Shane’s steady voice wavered, spilling out all of his emotions that he didn’t have the courage to show on his face. 

Ryan couldn’t stop himself from sucking air into his lungs with a sharp, shaky inhale. “I’m gonna miss you,” was all he could manage without crying. He had some pride left inside, even if it was very minimal.

Shane was not having that, finally closing the distance with a hug, hunching over so he could rest his chin on Ryan’s shoulder. Neither made a sound, as they spent their lasts moments together as neighbors. After a while, Ryan finally let his tears go, but kept his jaw clenched firmly in place. From what he could feel, Shane had started crying as well. “I’ll text you,” the taller boy-man- murmured, before pulling away. Ryan didn’t mean for his hands to linger on Shane’s torso, but they did for a half a second longer than they should’ve. “We’re gonna be fine.” He said it in such a way that made it difficult for Ryan to refute it.

“Yeah, yeah.” Ryan nodded, and looked up to gaze into Shane’s eyes, hidden behind clear frames. There was so much Ryan wanted to say, but he bit his tongue.

That night, Ryan couldn’t sleep because the bushes beat the sides of his house. 

When Ryan was 15 years old, and Shane was 19, Ryan would spend lunch in school looking down at his flip phone, waiting for a message from Shane. Every message would steal Ryan’s breath, and make his heart skip a beat. He was sure that the constant distance between them would dull his crush on the man, but it made everything more painful. The weeks Shane was back in town, Ryan had to keep himself from gluing himself to his friend’s side. Months of absence would dissolve, and it would be like old times, both of them spending hours on the grass, conversing. Ryan would start regaling crimes to Shane, and Shane would talk enthusiastically about what he was learning in cinematography class, and various cryptids. On those days, the grass always seemed to be greener; however, their age difference began to discourage Ryan. It was awkward and uncomfortable, so he’d always make sure he kept their hugs and comforting touches to a minimum. It didn’t matter though, because Shane just being there was enough for Ryan. It always had been, and always would be.

When Ryan was 18 years old, and Shane was 22, Ryan too moved to college, and Shane got his bachelor's degree in film. He stayed in the area, so Ryan was able to go and visit him more often between classes. Shane was more than helpful when it came to Ryan’s schoolwork, and they’d enjoy movie nights together with a shared bowl of popcorn. Age no longer mattered so much, but Ryan still tried to keep himself from snatching his friend’s hand, or letting a blush creep across his face. He wished he could punch these feelings out of his heart.

When Ryan was 22 years old, Shane was 26, and Ryan got an internship at Buzzfeed. He convinced Shane to apply as well, and they spent most of their hours together. Shane grew more tactile, often throwing an arm over Ryan’s shoulder, or playfully shoving him. Ryan always did his best to just laugh all the incidences off, but everyone seemed to notice how his face reddened and his shoulders tense. Everyone except Shane of course. Whenever he was confronted with the issue of love, Ryan would just laugh nervously, and abruptly change the topic to the Lakers, which confirmed more than it denied.

When Ryan was 26, Shane was 30. Ryan had been in love with Shane for as long as he could remember, even before he realized he was. He artfully dodged facing his feelings head on for about 14 years, avoiding weeks of alone time with Shane for vacations by bringing others along. He played up their arguments so he could redirect his fits of passion, and only got close when he was scared. He had been doing well, till the day Shane almost kicked down Ryan’s front door, a box cradled in his arms. 

“RYAAAN!,” he called out. The younger man popped his head out from behind a wall to take in the sight before him.

Shane was standing in the doorway, a copy of Ryan’s house key gripped in one hand that was awkwardly positioned under the bottom of the box to have his arm carry the weight while his other arm helped by gripping the sides. Shane’s hair was neatly styled back, and his familiar, clear framed glasses were sliding ever so slightly down the bridge of his nose. He had a triumphant grin on that snapped Ryan’s heart to attention. “What are you doing here?,” was all the shorter man could think to say. 

Shane strolled in like he owned the place. “My mom just sent me some old videos of us when we were kids! I figured we could watch them together and reminisce.” He dropped the box onto Ryan’s coffee table, and began pulling out VHS tapes and a VHS player It was clear that this wasn’t up for debate.

Ryan blinked, fully emerging into the room. “Why would she just randomly send those?”

“I asked her to. We spent so much time together as kids, I figured it would be a nice trip down memory lane.” Shane was already behind the TV, hooking up the VHS player. 

“Fine. So what’s the first one we have in store?” Ryan pulled one tape out, looking at the label on the front. It read, “Shane(9) & Ryan(5) Basketball” in neat, round writing.

Shane quickly yanked the tape out of Ryan’s hands, making the younger glare at him. “I guess this one,” he muttered, reading the title as well before pushing it delicately into the slot and plopping himself next to his childhood friend.

The screen flicked to life, and they could now see Ryan’s old yard through grainy pixels. Ryan was in a Lakers jersey that was a little too big for him, a midget when standing next to Shane, who was wearing a baggy white T-Shirt. Young Ryan held an old basketball in his tiny hands, jumping slightly as he tried to get the ball into the basket, and whining when it only hit the rim. Young Shane shuffled over to grab the ball, and bounced it back over to Ryan, where it hit the kid in the chest, knocking him over. Understandably, 5 year old Ryan began crying, and adult Ryan began to feel embarrassed. Mrs.Madej could be heard behind the camera, fussing as she began to approach the crying child. Shane was closer though, and he jogged over, stooping down to hug Ryan. The younger child sniffled, and hugged back, making Mrs. Madej let out an endearing aw. The video quickly cut off after that. 

“That was fun,” Ryan mumbled, sinking slightly into the couch as Shane laughed. 

“Come on, you were 5! How else are 5 year olds supposed to act when a basketball body checks them?,” Shane reasoned as he stood to pull out different tape and take the old one out.

The two spent the day watching good and bad times that were immortalized in video, laughing and groaning all the way through. Even Shane had shown his discomfort at some where he would cry about the monsters in the forest. Soon enough, they got to the last tape, labeled, “Shane(18) & Ryan’s(14) Last Sleepover.” The friends just stared at the tape for a second before Shane wordlessly pushed it in and let the tape roll.

Change of pace, it wasn’t one of the parents filming, but Shane himself, and both of them already knew Shane would be the one holding the recorder. They had both been there, and it wasn’t too long ago. The video shook as Shane struggled to get the lens to focus on Ryan’s soft, boyish face. His hair was a mess, falling over his forehead without a care. Shane spoke from behind the camera. “So, Ryan. This is our last sleepover! How do you feel?” He had been trying so hard to keep his tone lighthearted and joking. Teenage Ryan just glared as the camera got closer to his face in a dramatic zoom in.

“I felt fine till you brought up that this was our last sleepover, party pooper.” There wasn’t malice in Ryan’s tone, but he wasn’t joking either.

There was shifting behind the camera, and it pulled back. “Right. Well, for the record, is there anything you would like to say to the future generations that might see this?” God, Shane was almost trying too hard.

The Ryan in the video just looked away, pulling his knees up to his chin. 

“Come on, this will be the worst independent film in history if you don’t say anything! Give us your thoughts! Let me inside your braaaaain!” The camera drew in again, almost shoving itself into Ryan’s raven black hair.

“Gosh, get that thing away from me!” This time, Ryan sounded a bit less bitter. “What do you want me to say? I’m not gonna say anything new. I’m going to miss you. And…” He trailed off, and the Ryan watching it all unfold again knew what words were currently dying in his younger self’s throat. 

“And what?” Shane was as impish as ever. 

Ryan sat there for a second, mulling the same three words over in his head before snapping back, “Nothing. I’m just really gonna miss you.” He cowered out. 

Shane could be heard sitting down. “Right. Well, how about to future us? What will you say to them? Or how about yourself? What do you want yourself to know in a few years?” The two watching knew the video was drawing to a close soon.

Teen Ryan looked at his hands for a moment before flicking his gaze up to the camera, confidence glinting in his eyes. “Don’t be a coward. Do what I couldn’t.” It was vague, but that was intentional. Only Ryan Steven Bergara could read that subtext. 

The camera flipped around to give an awkward, low angle shot of Shane’s face. “For Future Shane, stay awesome, and keep in touch with Ryan. That is all.” The video cut out.

Shane stood to eject the VHS tape, leaving Ryan to mull over what his past self had just told him. 

Don’t be a coward. He wasn’t anymore. Ryan braved haunted houses and demons. He faced his fears and sometimes laughed at them with Shane. He seized every moment, and made a future for himself doing what he loved, with the man he loved. He was not a coward, but when it came to Shane, he was. It was a weird constant that persisted throughout Ryan’s teen years and well into his adulthood. He avoided his feelings more than he avoided the stories that Ryan knew would give him nightmares. It made his head spin with confusion. Why was this so hard? Why didn’t he do this sooner? He trusted Shane with his life, it wasn’t like his childhood friend was going to ditch him because of some stupid feelings. Ryan knew this, so why hadn’t he done it yet?

Shane situated himself next to Ryan again smiling slightly to himself. Ryan cast a quick glance over to Shane, before keeping his eyes forward, taking a deep breath. “Shane. There’s something I need to tell you.” He shifted his whole body around so he sat cross legged on the couch, facing Shane.

All Shane did was turn his head over, and blink as his eyes widened ever so slightly. He didn’t say anything.

“I’ve wanted to tell you this ever since I was in the 7th grade, but I’ve always been too scared. Even after I stole bridges from demons with you and slept in haunted locations, I’ve ran from this for no reason.” The feeling Ryan had come to know as love started to swell up, pushing Ryan's heart and making his head swim. Ryan made eye contact, and his brain began to list off every adjective it could use to describe Shane’s eyes. “But I’m done hiding from this, and you deserve to know.” His chest tightened in irrational fear, begging him to not risk it, but there was no backing out. Shane seemed to be holding his breath.

Ryan let his head drop so he didn’t have to see his long time crush. “Shane… I love you, and not in the, ‘we might as well be brothers’ way. In the, ‘I look at you, and my brain forgets my name’ way. I always have. I noticed it first in the 7th grade and despite everything, it only ever grew and grew till you just resting a hand on my shoulder made my heart race. Your stupid smile is fucking contagious, and your hugs are the best I’ve ever had. Fuck, I just love everything about you! If you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine, I can live with it. I’ve lived with it for 14 years, but I couldn’t sit here any longer and leave you in the dark.” For some reason, the confession took all the wind out of Ryan’s lungs, leaving him breathless once he finished. He still couldn’t pick his head up to see what reaction Shane had, but the silence was killing him anyway.

A moment passed, and a familiar touch graced Ryan’s cheek, that slid down under his chin to lift his face up to meet Shane’s again. Shane was smiling wide, his eye crinkling ever so slightly, and Ryan finally registered the glimmer of love that danced about in the man’s gaze. Without a word, Shane pulled Ryan forward to meet his lips, sinking into a soft, tame kiss. Ryan stared blankly ahead for only a second before he smiled ever so slightly, and kissed his crush back, eye sliding closed as he savored the moment. 

Shane pulled back ever so slightly in favor of hugging Ryan, giggling madly. “Way to beat me to it, Bergara.” His voice was so low, Ryan almost missed it. The shorter man didn’t want to respond, relishing in the tender embrace as Shane's hands curled around and squeezed Ryan’s back. Ryan did the same, pulling in the other body closer. He felt a soft kiss being pressed into the side of his head, and the faint dampness of tears dripping onto his shirt. 

Finally, Shane said it back.

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, that was something. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
